“Kindergarten Cop” Is being remade. Motherfuck.


Kindergarten Cop Remake

‘Kindergarten Cop’ is being remade.

‘Kindergarten Cop’ is being remade without Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I just want to die sometimes.

Not really. Because who gives that much of a shit right? (Some people probably do, but they are weird) but this is the internet and I’m kind of out of ways to express myself here short of going AHKDFJHAWEIGHAW over these god forsaken remakes so I just…..ugh…..won’t.

Lack of original ideas blah blah, this is a movie that can’t recapture the magic blah, blah. I’M OVER IT GODDAMIT THEY DON’T LISTEN TO US AND NOTHING IS SACRED. But who would of thought the blood sucking demons would have cared enough to go after Kindergarten Cop? Without Arnold? Arnold IS Kindergarten Cop. That movie would have been a steaming pile of shit with ANY other leading man. It would have been direct to video.

SURPRISE! The remake is going to be direct to video. Directed by Don Michael Paul who brought you classic dumpster bargain movies such as Jarhead 2 and Sniper: Legacy. Well, to be fair they might be good movies but no-one on earth can confirm if they actually exist. It sounds like a good line-up for Redneck Redbox night though doesn’t it?

So even though they are remaking another favorite film atleast nobody will give a shit. But don’t you dare touch Roadhouse. Or I swear to god I’ll………..definitely cry about it on the internet, probably buy a ticket and will want to die afterwards.

Mike.

Black Mass Trailer #2 REVIEW


Bitch, I’m the truth!

Thats what I scream during sex. With myself. On Friday night. In the dark. Anyway.

Johnny Depp ditched Tim Burton and the white powder makeup to do something good with his amazing acting ability FINALLY.

What a dick eh? Depriving us of all his wonderful talents and instead giving us the equivalent of watching an amalgamation of a drag show/comedy act on fire in PeeWee Hermans childhood bedroom. Descriptive. Bitch I’m the truth.

Several “THANK GOD!” moments here. Thank god we get another gritty mob movie that harkens Goodfellas and the like. Depp’s character looks like his talent had sex with Ray Liotta and I dig it greatly.

The cast is dripping with badassery and I can’t even (or am too lazy) to pick apart all the awesome people in it because the list is so long and distinguished. (Like my johnson! AAAAAAHHH!) #StoleItFromTopGun #ButYouKnewThat #IfYouDidntGoBackInTimeAndDontReadTheseHashtags #PretendImAwesome

DOUSCHEBAG THAT RATES TRAILERS (me) gives this a 9.5

– Mike

“The Cobbler” Movie Review


the_cobbler_international_trailer

The Cobbler

Directed by: Thomas McCarthy (The Station Agent)

Starring: Adam Sandler (Billy Madison), Method Man (How High), Steve Buscemi (Desperado) and Dan Stevens (The Guest)

When a sad and lonely Jewish shop owner named Max(Sandler) uses a magic machine to fix shoes, he realizes he can take on the appearance of any-one. As long as he’s wearing their shoes.

In truth, anything’s better than the lazy, half-hearted, ass-bag, Golden Corral variety buffet of standard processed shit troth comedy Adam Sandler has been serving up to the masses. I do feel bad for the constant shit he gets from dudes like me UNTIL I read a story that he wants to make a Candyland movie next…… This Douche Robinson gets whatever he deserves.

That being said Adam Sandler is maybe the best part of this movie. (Surprise!) Very subdued & doesn’t talk with annoying accents or wear track suits. He’s so sad and melancholy it’s almost distracting but it works for the film and doesn’t feel too everybody-thinks-I’m-an-ass-so-it’s-time-to-make-a-serious-movie -ish.

Parts of The Cobbler work well in the start also. Steve Buschemi is a great cast as the barber next door who actually gives a damn about Max and his sad story. There’s a sweet sub-plot about Max taking care of his sick mom. There are also 47 other sub-plots that aren’t cute, find a way to eventually even make the sweet mother-son dynamic creepy and make everyone an ass-hole.

Once Max puts on his ma-ma-ma-mah magic shoes everything in The Cobbler breaks in an awful, spectacular, flaming-tank-about-to-hit-a-puppy-store-full-of-explosives-for-some-reason kind of way. Method Man shows up & is believable as a Jurassic Park sized dick-wad but then Max wears his shoes. And things get racist. No, Really.

Every-time Max uses the shoes to do bad things like steal dinner or mug someone? He becomes the black guy. This is only before white Max also goes around fixing the mean things that the real black character did. COME ON!

Ultimately Cobbler starts out as a likeable, character driven story about a guy with a dead-end life finding happiness. Then it becomes Eureka’s Magic Castle trying to shove childish Dora the Explorer level, corny-ass life lessons down your throat. Meanwhile I’m pretty sure that Max (while wearing the shoes of the always good Dan Stevens) almost commits a version of rape. No, seriously this movie is that fucked up. This is all right before some weird version of The Kingsman happens and the movie goes Scooby-doo on your ass. You think I’m kidding. The struggle is real.     3.5/10

Mike Holtz