I just have some shits I wanna say. In honor of the Oscars tonight I tend to spread my diseased movie thoughts upon you. There’s going to be some butt-hurtedness and that’s okay. At least it’s not the pretentious and super cunty Oscars. I can personally guarantee that nobody had to suck anything on anyone to get on this list. (I’m still going to watch the Oscars because I am a robot.)
The butthurtedness begins. I could not decide. Given they are so different I thought it fitting that they are shoved together like an awkward Ellen DeGeneres selfie moment at the Oscars. Ugh. We get it, it’s 2000- whatever. Cell phones. Yay.
9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
After doing a Man Vs. Movie Marathon of all the Planet of the Apes films I fell in love with this odd franchise. Sure, they are Batman Begins serious now and not so batshit crazy. But the over-seriousness feels respectful and legit in a good way. This film brought the epic “holy-shit-Apes-are-fucking-are-shit-up-right-now-and-stuff-is-on-fire” goodness.
8. The Guest
The soundtrack is cooler than anything that has ever existed. I felt like I was watching Jason Bourne as a serial killer flick set in Haddonfield. Fuck yeah. This movie wakes up in the morning and poops coolness.
7. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
It actually feels like watching Cap in action. Throw in badass villain ‘The Winter Solder’ for him to fight and I’m geeking. Also SHIELD is dirtier than Kesha’s lady parts which leads to some awesome world changing events.
6. Gone Girl
Speaking of lady parts. David Fincher kills it again. My favorite Director of all time. Rosamund Pike scares the shit outta me and kinda turns me on at the same time. Just how I like it. What does that say about me?
5. X-Men: Days of Future Past
James McAvoy has one of the most underrated performances ever and makes me cry. DOFP managed to bring a really cool comic book story to life, all while fixing a franchise more broken than Leonardo Dicaprio’s heart every year.
4. John Wick
It’s like having the greatest Halo game of all time. Only you are Steven Seagal. A thin Steven Seagal.
Jake Gyllenhaal is fucking awesome. Also, the man-driven-to-succeed story set inside of a dark biographical thriller that Drive and American Psycho had sex on top of is my type of party, Karl.
2. The Lego Movie
I felt like in my own small way saying fuck you to the Oscars for their slight against humanity. Jerk-offs.
1. Guardians of the effing Galaxy
I saw this three times in the theater. It makes me happy. It is in the essence of Star Wars. CALM YOUR HOLE. I’m just saying it has the “essence”. It is a fun ass adventure that makes you feel good inside. Guardians’ has the best soundtrack of the year, a hilarious and hearftelt script, awesome special effects and a Groot. It is simply the best time I had at the movies this year. Best time I’ve had at the movies since The Avengers.
Let us honorably mention what did not maketh the list but hold a special place for me in the memories of movies this year:
The Signal, The Skeleton Twins, Edge of Tomorrow and Justice League: WAR and I did not see Theory of Everything
You may also notice the lack of a Birdman. I thought the cast KILLED it. In a good way. The movie however….the first three acts of the movie were really good. The last act felt full of egocentric and hipster filled snoody writing that alienated me & the very end was a total cop-out. That is just me though. Just little old me. Batman is the shit.
What are your top 10 from 2014? How much do you wanna spit in my face right now? (Don’t) Comment below!